Honey don't like Honey-Dos

It's a beautiful day here in Las Vegas.  Mid 70's, sunny, no wind.  Just loverly.  The perfect day for some long overdue yardwork.  
     
If my family had their way, our yard would never get any attention.  Hubby likes sleeping too much, and the kids like...pretty much anything else too much.  


Ahhh, but that's what I'm here for.  To make sure hubby doesn't take too many naps and the kids don't have too much fun.


I started the morning at 9AM singing to my daughter, "Wakey , wakey, yardwork till you're achy!"  She groaned and pulled the covers over her head.  I sang the same song to hubby as he sat on the couch eating his peanut butter toast.  "I'm digesting," he said.  


I started alone.  But lo and behold, hubby and my daughter came out soon after and began pulling weeds and raking. Oh, the quality family conversations that can be had when we are all busily working together:

Hubby:  "Mama must hate us."
Daughter:  "I'm hungry and I have cramps."
Hubby:  "Why do we even have a yard?"
Daughter:  "So mom can torture us."
Me:  "The homeowners association is going to send us a nasty letter if we don't do this."
Hubby:  "Screw the association."
Daughter:  "Giggity."
Hubby:  "My back aches."
Daughter:  "I have cramps."
Hubby:  "Mama, grab my branch."
Me:  "Giggity."
Hubby: "How about we stop for lunch?"
Me:  "How about you blow the leaves?"
Hubby:  "Giggity."

That was the first 10 minutes.  


All in all, I have to say, it only took a little over an hour for the three of us, plus my sister in law, to whip the yard in shape.  It looks pretty darn good too.  I made them all tuna melts as a thank you.  I'm not completely heartless.


Chores like yardwork is one area where hubby and I are different.  I like for them to get done, and he likes to take naps.  He says I get way to much satisfaction out of watching men work for me.  A few years ago, when things were a little more...prosperous, we were having some home improvements done and I sent hubby the following email:

Subject: You know how I like to see men working....



Well all my fantasies are coming true today--I got two guys laying tile, 3 guys working on the backyard, and one at the flooring store working up numbers for the wood in the family room!  Not to mention, you, hard at work, as always, for me!  I'm in heaven!

Warm Regards,
Lori 


He replied with his own version of the oompa loompa song from Willy Wonka:

Oompa loompa oompa-dee-doo

She's got another project for you

Oompa loompa oompa-dee-dee

If you are smart you'll hide here with me

What do you get with a house and a wife?

A honey-do list to last your whole life

What do you find when you think you're all done?

You find that your work has only begun

Oompa loompa oompa-dee-dee

Who says Abe Lincoln abolished slav'ry?

Oompa loompa oompa-dee-doom

Why in hell'd you come out...

Of your...

Oompa loompa doompa-dee-ROOM?

I may have to pay to get work done, but I get entertained for free.


How do you get your men to do their honey-do list?

Tapeworms and Taxes

I'm a submarine.  And not just because I need to lose a few pounds.  


I surface and submerge in blogger sea depending on what's going on in my life.  It's not intentional.  It's just a matter of priorities... and logistics.  

If my blogger buddies were standing at my side whining that they needed to see a post and saying, "ma MA, ma MA I need helllllp.....ma MA,"  it's likely I would oblige.


As it was, it was my 18 year old daughter, Sissa, lamenting my name (yes, my name is ma MA) because she needed help with her resume.  Before that, my 16 year old needed help finding out why tapeworms don't have a digestive system. 

The answer, by the way,  is that they are parasites who simply absorb food from their host.  How fitting. Kind of sounded familiar to me.


(bad maMa, very bad)


My brother interrupted my world of tapeworms because he needed help with his taxes. Then a client called.  Then a gal a I work with came by to drop off some paperwork.  And on and on it goes.  This wasn't yesterday, but it's typical of most days.  


Yesterday, I couldn't start my American Idol post until about 4 in the afternoon.  With interruptions, I finished about 6. 

I went downstairs and Sissa and her boyfriend had arrived and wanted to play Monopoly.  We sat down to play and my brother complained he needed help with dinner.  

Now, I'm no dummy and know I am damn lucky my brother cooks dinner so I tell Sissa to start without me and start helping with dinner.  

Then hubby, who had come home a little earlier, comes into the kitchen with puppy eyes saying he missed me.  Awww.  I love them all - what's a girl to do?  


These are the little things that keep me submerged from blogger world.  Then there are the big things, like teen-age daughter complications iliciting a change in schools, and work getting busier (which is a very good thing because it means we can pay our mortgage next month).


So here I sit, finally surfacing after 5 days of not posting except for my Idol recap. I'm checking my google reader, and I see gobs of posts I'm behind on.  Which begs the question:  HOW THE HELL DO ALL YOU BLOGGERS DO IT????


I know all of you have your own families, obligations, and distractions, yet you post every freakin day or close to it.  Some of you are stay at home mums with little ones, which is a full time job in itself, and others have outside full time jobs and come home to the little kiddies, and still manage to post and comment regularly.

How do I become a bobber and not a sinker?  

Is it careful planning?  Do you have set days and times you post?  

How do you handle unexpected things that come up that take you away from posting?  

Do you not sleep?  

Maybe you don't watch T.V.?  

Are you really robots programmed to make us sinkers feel guilty?  

Is it all just a conspiracy?  

Do you even exist? Do I exist?


Ok, So I'm being dramatic.  But really....please share your blogger bobber secrets.  I need help!

Sinking Fast,
Lori

Some days are Diamonds, Some Days are Stones

 Remember that song from the late 80's by John Denver?


  No, no, not stoned.....stone.  


As in dull, gray, facetless, ugly.  Some days feel like that.  Some days are the opposite of  brilliance and beauty and the only shimmer we can see is just maybe a light at the end of the tunnel, if we're the optimistic type.


Life with a teenager begets a quarry of stones and a mine of diamonds.  It's hard for them to see the glimmer at the end of the tunnel because they still have the childlike quality of living for the right now.  Pair that with an impatient curiousity and a plethora of emotions and you get days that drop upon you like stones.

Those are the days when I feel like I've failed as a parent.  

We try to be the polishing rag for our kids and we scour until our arms ache, but we can't touch every situation and circumstance they face.  Sometimes all we can do is show them they have the power to shine.  And find the strength to handle it calmly and wisely when they choose not to.

May your days be like diamonds and may your stones be few.




image courtesy of: djcodrin
                                                                                                             
Sadly Yours,
Lori

Hubby Says the Darndest Things

My hubby is funny.  Sometimes he says funny things and sometimes he sends me funny emails.  It's awfully selfish of me to keep all that funny to myself:  

HUBBYISMS

1.  This weekend hubby and the kids and my brother decided to pop a DVD in and watch it.  Right in the middle of the day.  The nerve!  I still had laundry, and cleaning, and bills to do and he wanted me to stop everything and sit down with them for two and a half hours and watch a movie.  He couldn't understand why I couldn't possibly do that.  To pacify him, I sat down "for just a few minutes" and actually ended up watching the whole thing because it was a really good movie.  "Sometimes I have to drag you kicking and screaming into fun," he says.  Yes, yes he does.

2.  Hubby is a picky eater and not very experimental when it comes to food.  He hates fish, but likes tuna.  He hates pickles, but likes relish, but only in tuna.  He also hates mustard, but likes it in potatoe salad.  "You know how much of the stuff I don't like to put into the stuff I like to make me like it," he tells me.

3.  "Can't you just answer my questions without making me ask them?"  This is just classic hubby-speak.

4.  "Truth is like alcohol - most people can't handle it straight up, and need it watered down... or at least with a chaser."  Did I mention he's wise too?

5.   "Well, to be fair to him... there is every possibility the hospital could have a hot nurse or two.  What kind of shot would he have had with them if he went unshowered... like the pregnant broad tagging along wasn't cramping his style enough already."  

This is what he had to say when I told him the story of my son's birth and how, at the last minute, we had to rush to the hospital because our home birth wasn't going quite as planned, and my now-ex-husband (gee, I wonder why?) made me and the midwife wait in the minivan while he took a shower first.

Hubby makes up jokes and emails them to me.  They don't keep him busy enough at work: 

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Lori:  Oh my goodness!  Why is he crossing the road?  He might get hit by a car!  We’d better adopt him and bring him home!

Hubby:    I chased the chicken across the road because I’m sick of chicken and want some friggin’ beef for a change!

The Boy:    Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…  why did who do what where?

Sissa:  We have chicken?  Is it tofu chicken?  Hang on… someone’s texting me.  Maybe it’s the chicken.  Nope, it’s Megs.  LOL  IDK  OMG!

The Girl:   Ohhhhhhh… I thought you asked me why I get sick when we’re on the road, and I thought “I don’t really get carsick all that much anymore” although I still do get nosebleeds sometimes.  I remember one time we were coming back from California and we had to pull over behind some place that used to be a Der Wienerschnitzel so I could barf in the dumpster and… wait, what’s the question?

Stay tuned for volume II of "Hubby says the Darndest Things."

Does your hubby have any hubbyisms?  

We're going to the Dogs

Have I mentioned that my daughter works for a vet?  Have I also mentioned that I am a push-over?  As a result of this winning combination of circumstances, we've acquired another dog.  Yes, I said another.  This is our third, and the first two were acquired in much the same way, but that's another post.

This is Casey's story.  Casey is a black lab mixed with perhaps collie, perhaps something else. 

She was brought into the vet's office 2 weeks ago by a good samaritan who found her wandering the streets with a big gash on her leg. 

She was frightened, but friendly.  She was micro-chipped, but the phone number on the chip no longer belonged to her owner. 

Maybe I'm terribly naive, but I had the notion that all veterinarians were like James Herriot, the loving country vet who wrote about his adventures caring for pets and their owners in the Yorkshire countryside. 

Truth be told, they don't all truly care about the well-being of animals or about uniting lost pets with their owners. 

Their office staff are instructed to mirror these principles of dollars over decency. 

I say this because there was an address and a name attached to Casey's microchip, but when the phone number wasn't good, the staff did not spend anymore time on finding Casey's owner. 

They also could not treat her injury because there was no one to pay the bill.  Casey would be sent to the local animal shelter and because she was injured, she would be put down.  Casey is 10 months old.

So, I get the call from my daughter.  I'm compelled to explain that she is a kennel-worker there, which is the lowest of the veterinarian office heirarchy.  She cleans poo and feeds and walks dogs, so has nil say in any goings on there.  She isn't allowed to access files or computers so she did what kids do when they need help.  She called mom. 

Honestly, my daughter wanted Casey more than she wanted to find the owner.  Casey had grown on her.  She had an injured leg, was quarantined from the other dogs because she was a stray, but was still happy and playful every time my daughter went to feed or walk her. 

When life gives you kennel, make kennelaide.  The vet was getting impatient though, since dog food costs money, and a decision had to be made about Casey quickly.  I told them to fix her leg and we would take her.  Thank goodness for employee discounts, or the bill would have been over $500.00.

I still couldn't help thinking about the owner.  If they had taken the time to microchip the dog, surely they would want her back. 

Then I realized that, thanks to the internet, there are other ways to track a person down besides a phone number.  I had my daughter give me the name and address of the person listed on the microchip and did a little detective work. 

I looked up the address in county records and found that it was still owned by the person listed on the chip.  I googled the name.  It was a hyphenated last name, so I had to play around with it.  Bingo. 

The owner had a Facebook page.  And she had over 300 friends.  I have like, 30.  Beeeatch.  I sent her what probably sounded like a rambling message from a psycho about how her dog was found, but was  injured and if she wanted it back she needed to act quickly, yada, yada, and gave my number and the name and number of the vet's office.

24 hours went by and she didn't call.  Meanwhile, the vet had stiched Casey's leg and she was recovering fine.  My daughter was ecstatic because it looked like we could take Casey home. 

Then the owner called the vet. 

Here is where it gets a little fuzzy, because, apparantly, the person I had messaged through facebook had given the dog to someone else, so it was the someone else that called the vet. 

The someone else had gone out of town and left her dogs with her sister, and all of the dogs (not sure how many) had gotten out of the sister's yard and were lost.  Can you imagine coming home from vacation and all of your pets are gone?? 

The good news was the owner seemed happy her dog was found and agreed to come and get Casey, and pay the bill.  

She never showed up.  She called the office on a Tuesday, and by Friday, still hadn't come to claim Casey.  The vet's staff called numerous times (because now there was a bill that needed to be paid) but no one came.

So last Saturday, we brought Casey home.  Hubby was resistant to the idea at first.  He liked reminding me of that as I was cleaning up doggie poo (big doggie poo, I might add) from the living room floor the first couple days she was with us.

But Casey settled right in.  The third night, she slept in my daughter's room and at 6 in the morning they both bounded into our bedroom and my daughter announced excitedly that Casey had whined when she had to go outside to pee so the potty training was going well.

Me:  (in my high pitched annoying voice reserved for puppies and babys) Good girl Casey, good girl!  Did you go potty outside? Potty outside?  Good girl!! 
Hubby:  Is this how it's going to be every morning?
Me: (still in my high pitched annoying voice reserved for puppies and babys)  Honey, Casey went potty outside, she went potty outside, honey!!
Hubby:  Why are you talking to me like that?
Me:  (still with the voice)  Cause she went potty outside, honey!  Casey's a good girl!
(Casey now is very excited and jumps up on her hind legs, putting her big front paws up on the bed, and nuzzles me to be petted)
Hubby:  You don't get excited when I go potty.

Hubby doesn't like to admit it, but Casey has grown on him too.  She's sweet and gentle and loving and seems to think she's the size of our little lap dogs.  She's quite happy in her new home and we are happy to have her.  I think we were meant to have her.  Every once in a while she comes over to me, jumps up with her paws around me and gives me a canine hug.  I think it's her way of saying thank you.

Blog Awards!

If there were an award for a blogger loser I would get it and it would look like this:  


I've neglected my blog and my blogging buddy's blogs for the past 2 weeks and I just wish to acknowledge and apologize - is that acknowlogize?  I'm trying to get a business blog up and running and it's got me so frustrated I'm ready to barf CSS code.


Anyhoo, before I was a loser, (yeah, that would be a few weeks ago, sorry Aussie Lori) I got two lovely sunshine awards, given to those who leave sunny comments or brighten someone's day with their blog.  They came from Aussie Lori, a mummie from down unnie, who is very funnie.  Heh heh, yeah, that was on purpose.  Check out her blog - there is something for everyone over there.
Thank you, Aussie Lori!  I aspire to be like you with your blogging dedication!


So, I'm supposed to post the award, link to the one that gave it to me, pass it on to other bloggers whose blogs make me feel sunshiney, and let them know so they can pass it on.

Here's my list of blogs that either make me laugh, or go awwww, or inspire me, or all three.  And I'm giving these awards to all y'all.  Some of you have already gotten them, or have other blogging projects going on, or have, like, a zillion followers, and can't possibly pass on every single dang award you get, so no pressure - you can acknowledge or not.   But, dammit, I like ya.  So there.  So here's my list:


1.  Susie. This is the first blog I ever followed since I started blogging in January.  Her family seems eerily like mine with their silly escapades and she's a good writer.
2.  Brenda.  This is another funny mummy who makes you feel like she's talking to you over martinis with the kids playing in the background.
3.  Parenting by dummies.  She writes about a little bit of everything, mostly funny, but sometimes serious and I always learn a lil' something by reading.  
4.  Rita.  She shares it all, the sad and the happy, when it's sad, it's poignant and when it's happy, it's very funny.   
5.  Katherine.  She's my daily dose of inspiration.  She makes me ponder.
6.  Mama Kat.  She makes me laugh and sees meaning in mice families, which strangely, so do I.  She also has a writer's workshop that looks cool that I keep meaning to participate in. 
7.  Aladdinsane.  This is my token single girl's blog.  She's always funny and you gotta check out her post on poop.  
And, of course, Aussie Lori's blog is a fav too, but I don't think I'm supposed to give the award back to one who gave it to me.  


Then, even after I hadn't posted for a whole week, Tree (who, by the way, has the prettiest blog ever!  It's all pink and girly and everything matches - I'm jealous!) presented me with this award, cause we're both Idol fans:

I'm supposed to pass this on to newly discovered blogs that I like.  I haven't had time recently to go blog hunting, but I do have a few I've stumbled on that are becoming favorites.  Tree's is one of them - thank you, Tree!  Here are a few others:


1.  Marcime.  This gal is an awesome writer and makes you stop and go, "hmmmm."  I love reading her posts.
2. Charlene.  She writes about balance in life and I learn something when I visit her blog.
3.  Jen Jen.   This is one funny German lady.
4.  Anything fits a Naked Man.  This one had me at the title.  She's also a good writer and shares her love of movies, books, and this and that.
5.  Deb.   Just funny family stuff and this and that, but I relate because she's the mom of teens.


So gals, same rules.  If you're busy, or got other projects going on and can't acknowledge, no worries.  I just want you to know I like ya.  


Cheers to all! 

Hubby's Recipes

For Christmas 2008, I made my oldest daughter a cookbook.  She was a vegetarian at the time, and at 17 was determined to move out on her own as soon as she turned 18.  I worried she would starve.  I tried to show her how to make nutritious vegetarian meals, but her attention span was short and the texting gene was stronger than the cooking one.


So, I made her a cookbook that she could take with her when she moved out, which according to her, would be at midnight on the day of her 18th birthday.  Gotta love teenage optimism.  I wanted this cookbook to be special, so I gathered favorite vegetarian recipes from family members and added photos and anecdotes and put it together scrapbook style.  


This was hubby's contribution and it captures my lovely, effervescent, easily-sidetracked girl to the tee, AND hubby's hilarious-ness:

MARISSA'S MACARONI & CHEESE SOUP:

Open Macaroni & Cheese box and smell contents – touch noodles with nose if possible

Make sister boil pan full of water – pour contents of box into pan of boiling water

Look at picture on front of box and imagine eating delicious Macaroni & Cheese

Text friends about eating delicious Macaroni & Cheese

When fire alarm goes off, turn off stove and refill pan with water to replace evaporated water

Let sit until someone else tries it and throws up in the sink

Leave in pan on counter for someone else to throw away – deny making mess in kitchen

Decide to bake a cake instead

CRAPPIEST-LOOKING CAKE IN THE WORLD:

Go to store to buy cake mix; forget to actually buy cake mix

Ask adult to take you back to store to buy cake mix you forgot

Pour contents of box into mixing bowl – throw away box with instructions

Add 1 carton of eggs, 1 gallon of milk, and 1 handful of butter

Stir impatiently for 5 seconds, then say "Thish ish haaard!" out loud

Lick spoon until clean – put spoon back in drawer when nobody is looking

Bake at highest temperature so it will be done sooner – remove after episode of Full House

Plop icing onto top of cake with hand until it looks like surface of Planet Dogpoop

Give cake to boyfriend to get him to break up with you – deny making mess in kitchen