Hubby Says the Darndest Things

My hubby is funny.  Sometimes he says funny things and sometimes he sends me funny emails.  It's awfully selfish of me to keep all that funny to myself:  

HUBBYISMS

1.  This weekend hubby and the kids and my brother decided to pop a DVD in and watch it.  Right in the middle of the day.  The nerve!  I still had laundry, and cleaning, and bills to do and he wanted me to stop everything and sit down with them for two and a half hours and watch a movie.  He couldn't understand why I couldn't possibly do that.  To pacify him, I sat down "for just a few minutes" and actually ended up watching the whole thing because it was a really good movie.  "Sometimes I have to drag you kicking and screaming into fun," he says.  Yes, yes he does.

2.  Hubby is a picky eater and not very experimental when it comes to food.  He hates fish, but likes tuna.  He hates pickles, but likes relish, but only in tuna.  He also hates mustard, but likes it in potatoe salad.  "You know how much of the stuff I don't like to put into the stuff I like to make me like it," he tells me.

3.  "Can't you just answer my questions without making me ask them?"  This is just classic hubby-speak.

4.  "Truth is like alcohol - most people can't handle it straight up, and need it watered down... or at least with a chaser."  Did I mention he's wise too?

5.   "Well, to be fair to him... there is every possibility the hospital could have a hot nurse or two.  What kind of shot would he have had with them if he went unshowered... like the pregnant broad tagging along wasn't cramping his style enough already."  

This is what he had to say when I told him the story of my son's birth and how, at the last minute, we had to rush to the hospital because our home birth wasn't going quite as planned, and my now-ex-husband (gee, I wonder why?) made me and the midwife wait in the minivan while he took a shower first.

Hubby makes up jokes and emails them to me.  They don't keep him busy enough at work: 

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Lori:  Oh my goodness!  Why is he crossing the road?  He might get hit by a car!  We’d better adopt him and bring him home!

Hubby:    I chased the chicken across the road because I’m sick of chicken and want some friggin’ beef for a change!

The Boy:    Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…  why did who do what where?

Sissa:  We have chicken?  Is it tofu chicken?  Hang on… someone’s texting me.  Maybe it’s the chicken.  Nope, it’s Megs.  LOL  IDK  OMG!

The Girl:   Ohhhhhhh… I thought you asked me why I get sick when we’re on the road, and I thought “I don’t really get carsick all that much anymore” although I still do get nosebleeds sometimes.  I remember one time we were coming back from California and we had to pull over behind some place that used to be a Der Wienerschnitzel so I could barf in the dumpster and… wait, what’s the question?

Stay tuned for volume II of "Hubby says the Darndest Things."

Does your hubby have any hubbyisms?